The Great I AM

I am burned out.

It’s not because I have been “living in the red” with my work, time, schedule, etc.

It is emotional burnout.

It is from the steady stream of my friends moving away and my close community dwindling down to a handful far smaller than I’ve ever have had since arriving in China. It’s from a string of medical crises of friends and being too far away to give hugs and walk with them daily. It’s from the wave of change forming in the distance right when my footing was almost secure from the last one.  

My felt pain has been delayed and I have not known how to walk through the grief or the aftermath. All of my go-to ways of dealing with the overhwhelmedness of life—physical rest, writing, meaningful conversations with friends, etc— have not brought me to a place of refreshment.

I returned to the US a few weeks ago tired and sad and stuck. I thought that somehow being “home” – away from the physical source of the pain and stress and having the space of no expectations would bring the rest and refreshment my heart needed. But, after nearly three weeks in the US, I am still tired and sad and stuck. Maybe, I just need more rest, more time, more of what I have tried already. Maybe the big family vacation planned over the Christmas holiday will fix what is breaking or broken inside…

Sunday morning, with my Rabbit Room mug full of coffee in one hand and journal and green Stabilo pen in the other, I tried to process some of this in “writing prayer.” Out came words of praise and thanks for life-giving conversation with life-long friends the evening before. But then, words of frustration, maybe even hopelessness (only faintly tinged with the remembrance of Promises), came tumbling forth. Then, a list. A list of things I think might help. My default solutions. The things I have tried before or thought I should. The list produced a glimmer of hope, but not enough to sustain. A half-page of green scribble and I capped my pen with a sigh.

A few minutes later, I was on my way to church. A place where I grew up, familiar, but not altogether “home” anymore. So many faces I don’t recognize and so many years and changes and valleys I have not walked with that Body.

The worship team began to sing a song I have never heard. It was beautiful, partially because the man’s voice reminded me of one of my favorites: Mac Powell of Third Day. And the lyrics were powerful in that moment, like a crescendo.

Then, familiar chords. One of the worship songs I play over and over and over at home….

I want to be close, close to Your side, So Heaven is real and death is a lie
I want to hear voices of angels above, Singing as one

Hallelujah, holy, holy, God Almighty, the great I AM
Who is worthy, none beside Thee, God Almighty, the great I AM

I want to be near, near to Your heart, Loving the world and hating the dark
I want to see dry bones living again, Singing as one

The mountains shake before You the demons run in fear
At the mention of the name King of Majesty
There is no power in hell, Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the great I AM

~ "Great I Am" (Jared Anderson, New Life Worship) ~

And, my heart came home into the presence of my Abba God as He spoke gently and started the process of pouring refreshing into the deep places of my heart.

I AM. Present. Always now. In this moment. My God is not just a God who holds the future in His hands and has good plans for me. He doesn’t just work in the tomorrows, the next weeks, the next opportunity for a retreat, or when this current situation resolves. He works in the now, right in the middle of my every day, right in the middle of my journey in the valley. He doesn’t just meet me on the mountain to bless and restore me once I have climbed to the top. Nor does He merely prepare me a feast once I have reached a certain mile-marker along the road. He meets me in the valley and prepares an abundant table for me during my struggle.

He did not wait until our big family trip to lead me to soul-rest. He didn’t require me to share my heart with six friends or write fifteen pages or schedule a personal retreat before He allowed me to experience His presence. He didn’t just drive me up to the edge of the green pastures, open the door and give me a shove, leaving me to figure it out on my own. No, He pursues me in the valley, in my struggle, in my need, before I have done anything. And, He invites me to come journey with Him. He gently reminds my heart that I am not alone, not on my own to grope my way through the darkness, hoping that some activity or prayer or direction I eventually choose will be the gateway. He tells me once again that He is taking my hand and will walk with me into the Rest He has for me. Surrender and follow—that is all I need to do. 

And, as my heart was surrendering to this beautiful Truth, Abba gave me another amazing gift. The healing hug of a dear friend. She came right up behind me as the song was ending and wrapped her arms right around and didn’t let go until I had completely melted. We stood arm in arm, enjoying the presence of God and each other together. What a wonderful gift! 

The Great I AM. His goodness and faithfulness and care for me takes my breath away…once again.