Falling in Love: The Longing

A friend told me once that I was boy crazy. You wouldn’t know it by looking at my nearly non-existent dating history, but she was right. I have had many, many crushes and my mind often occupied by whether or not a certain boy liked me and, if so, what I should do about it. If he didn’t like me, I would dream what it would be like if he did. In fact, I don’t remember any time between middle school and into my mid-twenties that I didn’t have my eyes and heart set on one or another classmate or someone from my social circle. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was looking hard for affirmation and always desiring to fill my deep longing for intimacy and exclusivity with someone I could see and touch and talk to.

I grew up going to church and gave my life fully to Jesus in ninth grade at a youth group retreat. I understood and believed completely that He rescued me from my sin and called me to follow Him. I was familiar with teaching that God loved me, that my worth was found in Him, that He was faithful and I could trust Him fully, that He was my Lover and my Husband. But, I didn’t quite get it, especially about the theme throughout Scripture that I was the bride and Jesus the Bridegroom. It did not compute. It made it to my brain and I desperately wanted it to be true for me, but it didn’t ever quite make it to my heart.

In high school, a new group called Jars of Clay started to become popular and their first album had a song that both awakened something deep inside and confused me at the same time. 

Love Song for a Savior

 In open fields of wild flowers,

She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses

In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running

And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
To show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"My heart beats for You"

Somewhere deep down inside wanted this to be true, to be the cry of my heart. I wanted to be in a place where I could truthfully scream, “I want to fall in love with You,” but I couldn’t. I didn’t understand how it was possible to fall in love with God.

I remember sort of dating two guys, one in high school, another in college. I really liked them and they really liked me, but I didn’t know what to do with their affection. Eventually, I started to get frustrated, even annoyed at their care. I shut down and pushed them away. Looking back at that time in my life, this was also what I was doing with God, albeit subconsciously. I was keeping my heart shut off from Him. I didn’t even know He wanted it.

Then there were two men, at different times in my journey, that spoke beautiful, pursuing words to me only to walk out of my life a short while later. With the help of the Accuser, I began to believe that I was not worth pursuing, that no one had the passion or courage (or even interest) to get past my messiness to find the beauty deep inside, that I would always be abandoned and alone.

I did love God, though, and grew to trust Him as my Redeemer, Provider, Guide, Protector and Lord. My life was His and I sought to follow Him and know Him, but there was an emotional disconnect. He was an authority figure, a Father, but not someone to long for, to be passionate about. I saw my heart as something that God wanted to be His to clean out, but not as the object of His affection or desire. I saw God as walking either behind or beside me, showing me the way in which to go, holding my hand as I walked along. I didn’t realize the deeper love-relationship that I was missing, that He could and would meet ALL the longings of my heart.

In spite of myself, my gracious God met me where I was at and slowly, but surely wooed me.