Overwhelmed: Part 1

Discovering the Pattern of “Overwhelmed”

I am in the process of writing a “memoir” of sorts, sharing about the pain and the gifts of the past year. One of the first steps in this writing process (and something I have continued to do throughout) was reading old journals. After dabbling a bit in high school, it wasn’t until college that journaling became a vital part of both my inner life and my interaction with God. I sort through circumstances and emotions and pray with my pen. God often speaks to me as I journal, too. An unexpected blessing of this beautiful communicative dance is that it is now recorded for me to see with new eyes and learn about myself and how God is working in and shaping me. The process of watching my life with God chronicled on the pages of stacks of journals has been encouraging, frustrating, challenging and healing (usually all at the same time!). As I read through entire seasons of life, almost as an objective third party, I can see sinful patterns of thought and response, clearly documented, but unnoticed at the time. I can also see threads of Truth that God speaks and weaves as He pursues me and offers me healing and freedom.

One pattern that is repeated in my journals, especially over the last two to three years, is being overwhelmed. As I read through my scribbled entries, red flags raise in my brain and and heart at each mention of words like “swirling thoughts,” “downward spiral of self-talk,” “unable to focus,” “struggling to wade through so many opportunities and complications,” “frustrated,” and “avoidant behavior.”  Heavy. Burdened. Stuck. Hiding. Trapped. Paralyzed. Fear. Overwhelmed.

“Maybe there is something wrong with me,” I wonder. Maybe this pattern of being overwhelmed is the result of biting off more tasks than I can chew—way too often. Or maybe it points to boundary issues and my difficulty in saying “no.” Maybe it is because of my perfectionist tendencies that I don’t realistically have daily-life time for. Maybe my expectations of myself are way too high. Maybe I’m just really emotional and dramatic. To be honest, it is probably pieces of all of these things working together. Or, maybe it is something else.

Whatever the cause, this I know for sure: God has brought this pattern to my attention and He is inviting me to spend time seeking Him in it. So, I am choosing to open the door and explore…