Overwhelmed: Part 3

God in Pursuit of My Heart 

God has been consistently and patiently speaking to the issues of perfectionism and productivity-based identity in my heart for many years. He has been slowly revealing the reality and enormity of the Monster that I, at the same time, both loathe and nurture.

A little over ten years ago, I stood in a full auditorium at the Willow Creek Leadership Summit, worshipping alongside thousands. But, God spoke to me as if I was the only one there. “All My thoughts toward you are holy, full of love and grace,” Lincoln Brewster sang (You Are the One, “Amazed,” 2002). God translated those words to my heart saying, “I do not think of you the way you think of you.” I had to sit down from the significance of what God was revealing to me. My understanding of God and His love for me was so warped. A short time later, my pastor drew a picture for me that even more clearly depicted my false assumptions of God and His view of me (see below).

That picture reminded me of a similar one I had shared with college students and friends so many times—a divide between man and God that only Jesus can fill. Yes, for them but also for me. Then and still, every day. However, I was living as if the divide had never been bridged by the Cross, as if God was a line to be achieved or as if there was a standard required for His approval.

Now, ten years later, God is taking me back to the same Truth. He continues to woo me into deep relationship with Himself, reminding me often of His love that is without limit and His indescribable grace extended toward me. Recorded in the pages of my journal, I can see Him peeling back layers of my false view of His character and He is digging out even more deeply rooted lies about my identity in Him.

* When I find myself feeling tired and weak and overwhelmed, the Lord speaks to my heart:

Be still. And come to Me. My burden is light. I will make yours light. Spend time with Me and I will show you the way, guide your steps...

The Holy Spirit reminds me what the Cross is for, why Jesus suffered and died—that I might live free, that I might embrace grace and forgiveness right in the middle of my sin, that I might not live under the burden of guilt and standards that I cannot meet, that I may know the pleasure and closeness of God in the midst of my messiness. He never turns His face away.

 

* When the burdens of doubt and grief weigh heavily, failing to lessen with sleep, God reminds me that I do not need to carry them. They are not my portion, even though they feel insurmountable, impenetrable, unclimbable. Even though I feel like I am in a besieged city, He is ready to show me His steadfast love (Psalm 31.21). My God is a God of the impossible. He loves to take me to the edge of the vast sea and part the waters or tear down city walls with a shout. He enables my feet to be secure on the heights. He loves to show Himself mighty and faithful, strong and gracious, powerful and merciful, Protector and Comforter.

 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” (Psalm 32.8)

* And, when I am feeling worthy of the labels of “inefficient” and “lazy” and a sense of despair so dependably joins them, God takes me to the bookmark in my Bible. In Luke 5, Jesus climbed into Simon Peter’s boat and ordered him to cast the fishing nets again. The group had fished all night catching nothing, but Simon Peter obeyed anyway. They caught two boats full of fish and overflowing. The setting, equipment and actions were all the same in both times the nets were cast. The only difference was the presence of Jesus. I know that, somehow, the answer to my stress and feeling of despair lies this Truth. I need wisdom and faith and complete trust in the presence of Jesus with me. His strength. His power. His energy. His timing. His way. Not my own decisions, efficiency, hard work, diplomacy, stamina…..His. 

  

* When I am incredibly stingy and dictator-ish in extending grace to myself, when my standards are sky-high and I would rather escape real life for the fictional one of a novel or TV show, when my soul cries out, “Who will rescue me from this body of death?!” the Holy Spirit prompts me to pick up The Valley of Vision (Arthur Bennett. Banner of Truth Trust, 1975). The words I read at my bookmark are timely:  

O Heavenly Father,

Teach me to see

That if Christ has pacified Thee and satisfied divine justice, He can also deliver me from my sins;

That Christ does not desire me, now justified, to live in self-confidence in my own strength, but gives me the law of the Spirit of life to enable me to obey Thee;

That the Spirit and His power are all mine by resting on Christ’s death;

That the Spirit of life within answers to the law without. (p 57)

Regardless of how I feel, God does not stop speaking. I am grateful for His constancy, His faithfulness, His continual pursuit of me. I love the way He is able to lift me out of a muddy sinkhole of despair and grief and loneliness and selfishness and set my feet upon a Rock. And, He often does this before I realize I am sinking! He is amazing! Beautiful God!