The next few
months (spring of 2012), felt like
an intense, grace-filled growth spurt. It seemed that every time I opened my
Bible or whatever book I was reading, words, paragraphs, ideas jumped out at me
from the pages and took me to deep places of reflection and prayer. And,
interestingly, my response common to all these times was to write—pages and
pages in my journal, photo-laden blog entries, notes on my iPod, ideas and
outlines scrawled on pieces of scrap paper.
I have always known that
writing, for me, is a particularly powerful way that God speaks to my heart. It
is my favorite way to process what I am thinking and learning. Many of my most
focused and deepest times of prayer have been wrestling through issues with God
on paper. I learn as I write. Truths somehow make their way from my head to my
heart as I kinesthetically express them in words.
On Easter afternoon, after
sharing some of what I’d been learning with a friend, she asked me a great
question: “What are you going to do to continue cultivating this level of
growth?” My initial answers, from my head, were the almost cliché, “continue
spending time with God in the mornings, pray more…” and other such responses
that made sense logically from my experience. But, as she listened and waited
and gave me space, the “real” answer, from my heart, came forth: “I need to
write.”
And so, over the next few
days, I started making plans for a writing trip. I didn’t spend much time
pondering over how or when this getaway would happen or even question the
thought that it should. I HAD to go, that was for sure. A friend suggested a
location, I booked a hotel and was soon sitting on a train, racing at
120km/hour through the northeastern China countryside to a place I’ve
never been before—physically, for sure, and, I would soon find out, emotionally
and spiritually as well!
On the train, I began reading a book. Pursuit of a Thirsty Fool is the life-journey of a man I am honored to call a
friend. Through the first several chapters, I was intrigued, drawn into the
unfolding journey. My understanding of God’s grace and offer of redemption
deepened. Abba was drawing me to Himself through the pages penned in courage
and humility. But, it wasn’t until chapter 12 that I truly became engaged in
the story. I was no longer merely listening to my friend tell of his
experiences. In chapter 12, our spiritual journeys intersected.
I learned how to walk with a limp through
the journey of life. I
was pretty good at it, but the Father wanted more for me than I believed was
possible. God wanted to heal me. I didn’t have to live with a limp. He wanted
to do surgery on my soul, to bring full healing, full restoration. He wanted me
to learn to live in freedom, health and power and to live as Jesus had lived (MacLeslie,
Loc 1548).
[Jesus] showed us what real
faith is—not a bundle of dogmas to be believed but a relationship with a Person
to be enjoyed (MacLeslie, Loc 1556, emphasis mine).
I thought the path I knew was the only
path, that the wounds were at the core of me, that I had to live with the pain.
I didn’t yet know the power of the Father that raised Jesus Christ from the
dead. I didn’t yet understand the gift of eternal life and was unwilling or
unable to trust God with the depths of my heart (MacLeslie, Loc 1559).
Since this is what God had been showing me, too,
the conclusion was probably the same. There were parts of my heart that I was
not letting God touch, layers of dust that kept me from seeing things as they
really are. I was limping and had become used to (or
learned to live with) my brokenness.
But what if the center of the story isn’t
about the actions Jesus did? What if He modeled a deeper Truth that wasn’t
primarily about performance? Jesus spoke and acted as He did because of a
deeper reality as He lived in constant contact with His Father. He emptied
Himself and neither spoke nor did anything apart from His Father. His life in
inspiring, but when we focus on holiness or Christ-like behavior as the end, we
miss the point. His relationship with the Father is the true miracle. (MacLeslie, Loc 1595).
Jesus showed us that true freedom is found
in submission to and union with God. The freedom and power are not the point,
the relationship with God is (MacLeslie, Loc 1601, emphasis mine).
As soon as I read this sentence, I knew that THIS was the Truth that I need
to press into that long weekend away. This was my prayer: “May God use this
weekend as I come before Him with these questions, to dig out these lies, to
bring healing to hurting places, to speak love to condemned and fearful places.”
I wasn’t free from sin because parts of my
life still weren’t His. I was withholding myself from Him and I wanted to use
Him for my ends rather than submitting myself and aligning my will with His.
God wants me to find my satisfaction in Him, but I was continuing to run to
other things—things that cannot satisfy. I was spending my time, energy, and
money in pursuit of the thing that He longed to give me for free. (MacLeslie, Loc 1602).
What was He inviting me into? What is He longing
to give me?
I thought freedom was the point, but
freedom is a by-product of an authentic relationship with God (MacLeslie, Loc 1608).
God wants us to belong to Him and to be
with Him. In the process of walking with God, He rubs off on us and we start to
look like Him—to take on the family resemblance. Along the way, we discover
that we have become free as we become more like Jesus. We become free because
we live like Jesus did, in union with the Father. (MacLeslie, Loc 1613).
I wasn’t finding freedom because I was
only seeking freedom
(MacLeslie, Loc 1617).
That is what I, too, have
experienced. “Along the way” I have discovered that I have become free. Those
things that I ran to for “rest” (though they really only added to the guilt and
burden that fatigues me) lost their appeal. The hours of internet TV and games,
the endless snacks, the drifting of my thought to things untrue, unclean. I was
no longer ensnared. I was starting to have control of my computer keys, of the
things that went into my mouth, the things that my mind dwelt on.
These are areas that I
have struggled with, made goals toward diminishing, fought against and failed
at countless times in the past. Hearing God speak my real name, Him releasing
me from the burden of the “shoulds” to enjoy what He has called and gifted me
to do, pouring over His Word….the struggles have melted away. Along with the
fear and the concern with what others might think.
God was reminding me that
I had entered into RELATIONSHIP with Him those years ago. He was drawing me,
inviting me to go deeper.
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