Vulnerability is one of those things that doesn’t really get
easier with time and practice. It is always a choice. It is like putting your
heart, exposed and solitary, on the table to be seen and responded to. It is
risky every time. It is always hard and it is always scary.
But, God… One of
my favorite phrases in the Bible is true of my story as well. Just when it
appears that all things are far gone and hopeless, fear and impossibility
welled-up like fortified walls barring the road ahead, God moves. He tips our
version of reality and logic on its head. He intervenes in ways we don’t expect
and couldn’t have possibly imagined. He brings Strength from weakness, Good
from devastation, Beauty from ashes, Healing from wounds, Hope and Joy from
unmet longings and pain. He Redeems and Restores.
So, in line with His character and how He has always worked
in the pages of history, it has been in the scariness of laying my heart on the
table—right in the middle of the fear—that God has wooed me. In the moments of
being vulnerable before others and letting them see the real me—the depths and struggles,
the longings and hopes, the frailty and failings—He has shown me that His care
for me runs deeper than I could imagine, that His love for me is bigger than my
weakness, bigger than my sin (and my rebellious running after it), bigger than
my desire to live and love well. He continues to passionately pursue me each
and every day in this same way—by revealing the breadth and length and height and depth of His love toward me. He
speaks to me of His love that surpasses all experience of human love and shows
me how His love fills and satisfies. He demonstrates in tangible and incredibly
intimate ways that His love for me is far bigger and deeper and more abundant
than all I could hope or dream. It is a love that is already mine. I don’t have
to do anything to earn it or get more of it. He loves me, all of me, because of
His lavish grace, because of Jesus.
“I only know Divine unconditional, radical and reckless love
for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to
meet God is this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and
deeply loved by God. And the more deeply I know this love” (Benner, The Gift
of Being Yourself,p. 51).
I am so thankful, in this process of living life with my
heart held open and vulnerable before others, to be journeying with such
amazing people around me. My China
family—brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews—are like “God with skin on” to
me every day. They have made the road of vulnerability easier to walk. My
brothers’ big bear hugs in the moments I feel like I might fall apart. The safe
place my sister created for my heart right in the middle of her kitchen floor
and her healing touch that I felt much deeper than her hand on my skin. Another
sister often asking, “How’s your heart?” just at the right time that I needed
to feel known and listened to and cared for. Grace upon grace shown over and
over again. No shame, but rather healing, with sin confessed (James 5.16
fleshed out). Thoughtful gifts. Life-giving words. Perfectly-timed phone calls.
Celebrating and grieving together. Real life side-by-side. Walking
shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-in-hand on this path of vulnerability toward the
heart of God. Weak, dependent, desperate and in need together. We carry each
other, give pulls and pushes when we seem stuck, but forward we do walk. God
has revealed the depths of His heart to me through this family. He uses them
time and time again to draw me into His heart, to woo me.
Almost three years ago, I was sitting on the living room
couch of two very dear friends. They wanted to take some time to pray for me
before I traveled home after my long weekend with them. We started the time of
prayer in quiet listening. I was anxious, wanting to hear, but afraid I
wouldn’t. Looking for answers for a difficult work situation, but fearing they
wouldn’t be given. A picture came to my mind. Jesus standing before me with His
arms outstretched. Reminded of His faithfulness and love for me, I relaxed. I
took a deep breath and, one muscle at a time, sunk down into the soft cushions.
It was the most restful I had felt in as long a time as I could remember. My
friends prayed for me and then one shared that God had given him a question to
ask me about my work situation during the time of listening, “What do you want
to do?” My response, “Really?” “Yep. That’s all He said to me.” Freedom. The
anxiousness was gone and the answers I was searching for given. My relationship
with Him and the state of my soul was more important than all the strength I
could muster up pushing through a work situation in which I was not thriving. God
was caring for my heart in ways beyond what I could have imagined. He was wooing
me with His Love and Rest.
On the opening evening of our annual conference two years
ago, I found myself overwhelmed by all the people and wishing the week would go
by quickly so I could enjoy my few days of beach vacation. Then, graciously crashing
into these thoughts was the voice of our leader:
If God is a King,
which He is,
And we are His
people, which we are,
Then He would
occasionally arrange a feast for us.
May this week be a
feast.
May we come
expecting.
How big my unbelief and how low my expectations of God to
fill and refresh. And, a feast He did give me that week!
The next day, I was reading in the Psalms.
He split the rocks in the wilderness
And gave them abundant drink
Like the ocean depths. (78.15)
This is the kind of God I have! Not just a trickle or even a
gushing, but ocean-like! And from the most unlikely place—a rock in the middle
of the desert. My God, that formed me and knows my name, is this
powerful, this good, this compassionate, this
abundant! Enough for a feast. Wooing me with His unmatchable character.
Later in the week, God spoke deeply to my heart during a
time of listening prayer. “I want you to know My goodness and abundance. I want
to show you that coming to Me is not drudgery. I will fill you, not drain you.
I want to see you have joy in My delight in you. I want you to experience rest
in Me often. I want to talk to you.” Wooing me with His love and delight in me.
A seminar leader gave
each of us a blank sheet of paper and asked us to draw our “terrain”—how we
viewed the road ahead and behind, what the bumps and pitfalls look like, etc. What
came out on my paper was a bit scary—crags and crevices in the ground ahead and
boulders falling from the sky! Chaos. Fear. Apprehension. Joy overwhelmed by
adversity, bad news and pain. But, before I was done with my drawing, I felt
compelled to write a few words at the top of the page. Shalom. Shield. Wise Counselor. God spoke His character and
Goodness over my treacherous terrain and the fear of walking ahead. He has
been, is and will be my Protector, Guide, One who holds and cares for my heart.
Wooing me with His reigning Love.
Another of God’s tangible demonstrations of His love for me
happened at a life-coaching training last fall. I was asked by the trainer to
be coached by him in front of the class so that we could discuss and learn from
a real-life coaching session. The trainer and I sat facing each other with
fifteen others looking on and began to talk. I shared about my love for
photography and desire to grow in and improve my skills. As I opened up and the
trainer probed, it became clear that the goal of improving my skills was
stealing my joy from taking and processing photos. Because I felt the
self-imposed pressure to “learn how to use my camera more effectively” or “take
better pictures,” taking photos without doing these things felt like an
indulgent poor use of time. There, as my heart was exposed—my desire, delight
and weakness—God wooed me through the comment of one of the observing students.
He said, “Why do you think taking pictures purely for the enjoyment of it a bad
thing? What is wrong with ‘indulging’ in this thing that you are so obviously
passionate about? God delights in you delighting in His creation and who He has
created you to be.” Freedom and release.
* Interestingly, in the year since
that coaching session, I have still not read my camera’s instruction manual nor
any blogs or articles about photography. But, I have taken hundreds of
photos…and have enjoyed every moment! Through “indulging” in the delight of
taking photos, I have discovered that it is a form of worship for me. God loves
it when I enjoy His creation, slow down and view it in ways that I don’t
normally do each day. “Enjoy Me in this,” He has spoken to
my heart. The thick Canon strap around my neck, my favorite 50mm lens in from
of my eyes, finding just the right position to frame the flower, the smile that
lights up my face, the calm that it brings to my heart. Enjoying photography is
enjoying Him—enjoying what He has made and enjoying being with Him. (see “Healing Flowers”) And, God
has used my photos to bless and speak deeply to many people along the way.
Amazing! * 
A friend asked me during another life-coaching session, “Who
is Allyson?” He waited. He waited past my pat answers. He waited through the
awkward silence when I was wriggling in my seat as his gaze made its way deep
down inside. Part of me wanted to get up and run away in response to the
vulnerability I felt. I willed myself to stay. And, as my friend waited and I
let his question find its way to my heart, God made us aware of His presence in
a profound way. A series of detailed and beautiful pictures came to mind—God
personally answering the question my friend posed. “Who is Allyson?” Dressed in
armor and bearing a sword: Warrior. Sitting at the bed of someone sick and
touching them: Healer. Standing, arms outstretched and brightness streaming out
to others: Bearer of Light. God, once again, showed me how He sees beyond my
sin and weakness to who He created me to be. He is wooing me with His Love and
Grace.
Over the past two years, a close friend and I have co-led a
ministry to hurting women. Honestly, leadership was something neither of us
asked for nor wanted, especially when it involved months of facilitating
intense conflict resolution. Our experience, knowledge, human wisdom, strength
and energy were never enough to face going into several-hour-long meetings with
people unwilling to forgive. We were overtly aware of our weakness and lack of
anything to offer. We constantly called out to God in complete dependence and
asked Him often to show up in surprising ways. And, He always did. He never
failed to give my co-leader and I words to say, patience and endurance to wait
for God to break through a sister’s hardened heart, strength and language
ability to press through tense situations. In almost every meeting we have had
in the past two years for this ministry, God has demonstrated what we have
started to refer to as His “multi-faceted grace.” He has worked out countless seemingly
impossible situations in ways beyond all that we could ask or imagine, leaving
each person involved feeling deeply loved and cared for. One time, the person
we were going to ask to step down, came to the realization herself that she
needed a break to pursue heart healing and a deeper relationship with God. She
felt honored and cared for that we would release her and allow her to take the
time she needed! He lavishes His abundant grace on us and His steadfast love
endures forever!
…according to the riches of His glory He
may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner
being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts
through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints
what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and
to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled
with all the fullness of God. Now
to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,
according to the power at work within us, to
Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
forever and ever. (Ephesians 3.16-21)
He continues to woo me.
