Falling in Love: The Wooing

Vulnerability is one of those things that doesn’t really get easier with time and practice. It is always a choice. It is like putting your heart, exposed and solitary, on the table to be seen and responded to. It is risky every time. It is always hard and it is always scary.

But, God… One of my favorite phrases in the Bible is true of my story as well. Just when it appears that all things are far gone and hopeless, fear and impossibility welled-up like fortified walls barring the road ahead, God moves. He tips our version of reality and logic on its head. He intervenes in ways we don’t expect and couldn’t have possibly imagined. He brings Strength from weakness, Good from devastation, Beauty from ashes, Healing from wounds, Hope and Joy from unmet longings and pain. He Redeems and Restores.

So, in line with His character and how He has always worked in the pages of history, it has been in the scariness of laying my heart on the table—right in the middle of the fear—that God has wooed me. In the moments of being vulnerable before others and letting them see the real me—the depths and struggles, the longings and hopes, the frailty and failings—He has shown me that His care for me runs deeper than I could imagine, that His love for me is bigger than my weakness, bigger than my sin (and my rebellious running after it), bigger than my desire to live and love well. He continues to passionately pursue me each and every day in this same way—by revealing the breadth and length and height and depth of His love toward me. He speaks to me of His love that surpasses all experience of human love and shows me how His love fills and satisfies. He demonstrates in tangible and incredibly intimate ways that His love for me is far bigger and deeper and more abundant than all I could hope or dream. It is a love that is already mine. I don’t have to do anything to earn it or get more of it. He loves me, all of me, because of His lavish grace, because of Jesus.

 

“I only know Divine unconditional, radical and reckless love for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to meet God is this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and deeply loved by God. And the more deeply I know this love” (Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself,p. 51).

I am so thankful, in this process of living life with my heart held open and vulnerable before others, to be journeying with such amazing people around me. My China family—brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews—are like “God with skin on” to me every day. They have made the road of vulnerability easier to walk. My brothers’ big bear hugs in the moments I feel like I might fall apart. The safe place my sister created for my heart right in the middle of her kitchen floor and her healing touch that I felt much deeper than her hand on my skin. Another sister often asking, “How’s your heart?” just at the right time that I needed to feel known and listened to and cared for. Grace upon grace shown over and over again. No shame, but rather healing, with sin confessed (James 5.16 fleshed out). Thoughtful gifts. Life-giving words. Perfectly-timed phone calls. Celebrating and grieving together. Real life side-by-side. Walking shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-in-hand on this path of vulnerability toward the heart of God. Weak, dependent, desperate and in need together. We carry each other, give pulls and pushes when we seem stuck, but forward we do walk. God has revealed the depths of His heart to me through this family. He uses them time and time again to draw me into His heart, to woo me.

Almost three years ago, I was sitting on the living room couch of two very dear friends. They wanted to take some time to pray for me before I traveled home after my long weekend with them. We started the time of prayer in quiet listening. I was anxious, wanting to hear, but afraid I wouldn’t. Looking for answers for a difficult work situation, but fearing they wouldn’t be given. A picture came to my mind. Jesus standing before me with His arms outstretched. Reminded of His faithfulness and love for me, I relaxed. I took a deep breath and, one muscle at a time, sunk down into the soft cushions. It was the most restful I had felt in as long a time as I could remember. My friends prayed for me and then one shared that God had given him a question to ask me about my work situation during the time of listening, “What do you want to do?” My response, “Really?” “Yep. That’s all He said to me.” Freedom. The anxiousness was gone and the answers I was searching for given. My relationship with Him and the state of my soul was more important than all the strength I could muster up pushing through a work situation in which I was not thriving. God was caring for my heart in ways beyond what I could have imagined. He was wooing me with His Love and Rest.

On the opening evening of our annual conference two years ago, I found myself overwhelmed by all the people and wishing the week would go by quickly so I could enjoy my few days of beach vacation. Then, graciously crashing into these thoughts was the voice of our leader:

If God is a King, which He is,

And we are His people, which we are,

Then He would occasionally arrange a feast for us.

May this week be a feast.

May we come expecting.

How big my unbelief and how low my expectations of God to fill and refresh. And, a feast He did give me that week!

The next day, I was reading in the Psalms.

He split the rocks in the wilderness

And gave them abundant drink

Like the ocean depths. (78.15)

This is the kind of God I have! Not just a trickle or even a gushing, but ocean-like! And from the most unlikely place—a rock in the middle of the desert. My God, that formed me and knows my name, is this powerful, this good, this compassionate, this abundant! Enough for a feast. Wooing me with His unmatchable character.

Later in the week, God spoke deeply to my heart during a time of listening prayer. “I want you to know My goodness and abundance. I want to show you that coming to Me is not drudgery. I will fill you, not drain you. I want to see you have joy in My delight in you. I want you to experience rest in Me often. I want to talk to you.” Wooing me with His love and delight in me.

 A seminar leader gave each of us a blank sheet of paper and asked us to draw our “terrain”—how we viewed the road ahead and behind, what the bumps and pitfalls look like, etc. What came out on my paper was a bit scary—crags and crevices in the ground ahead and boulders falling from the sky! Chaos. Fear. Apprehension. Joy overwhelmed by adversity, bad news and pain. But, before I was done with my drawing, I felt compelled to write a few words at the top of the page. Shalom. Shield. Wise Counselor. God spoke His character and Goodness over my treacherous terrain and the fear of walking ahead. He has been, is and will be my Protector, Guide, One who holds and cares for my heart. Wooing me with His reigning Love.

Another of God’s tangible demonstrations of His love for me happened at a life-coaching training last fall. I was asked by the trainer to be coached by him in front of the class so that we could discuss and learn from a real-life coaching session. The trainer and I sat facing each other with fifteen others looking on and began to talk. I shared about my love for photography and desire to grow in and improve my skills. As I opened up and the trainer probed, it became clear that the goal of improving my skills was stealing my joy from taking and processing photos. Because I felt the self-imposed pressure to “learn how to use my camera more effectively” or “take better pictures,” taking photos without doing these things felt like an indulgent poor use of time. There, as my heart was exposed—my desire, delight and weakness—God wooed me through the comment of one of the observing students. He said, “Why do you think taking pictures purely for the enjoyment of it a bad thing? What is wrong with ‘indulging’ in this thing that you are so obviously passionate about? God delights in you delighting in His creation and who He has created you to be.” Freedom and release. 

* Interestingly, in the year since that coaching session, I have still not read my camera’s instruction manual nor any blogs or articles about photography. But, I have taken hundreds of photos…and have enjoyed every moment! Through “indulging” in the delight of taking photos, I have discovered that it is a form of worship for me. God loves it when I enjoy His creation, slow down and view it in ways that I don’t normally do each day. “Enjoy Me in this,” He has spoken to my heart. The thick Canon strap around my neck, my favorite 50mm lens in from of my eyes, finding just the right position to frame the flower, the smile that lights up my face, the calm that it brings to my heart. Enjoying photography is enjoying Him—enjoying what He has made and enjoying being with Him. (see “Healing Flowers”) And, God has used my photos to bless and speak deeply to many people along the way. Amazing! * 

A friend asked me during another life-coaching session, “Who is Allyson?” He waited. He waited past my pat answers. He waited through the awkward silence when I was wriggling in my seat as his gaze made its way deep down inside. Part of me wanted to get up and run away in response to the vulnerability I felt. I willed myself to stay. And, as my friend waited and I let his question find its way to my heart, God made us aware of His presence in a profound way. A series of detailed and beautiful pictures came to mind—God personally answering the question my friend posed. “Who is Allyson?” Dressed in armor and bearing a sword: Warrior. Sitting at the bed of someone sick and touching them: Healer. Standing, arms outstretched and brightness streaming out to others: Bearer of Light. God, once again, showed me how He sees beyond my sin and weakness to who He created me to be. He is wooing me with His Love and Grace.

Over the past two years, a close friend and I have co-led a ministry to hurting women. Honestly, leadership was something neither of us asked for nor wanted, especially when it involved months of facilitating intense conflict resolution. Our experience, knowledge, human wisdom, strength and energy were never enough to face going into several-hour-long meetings with people unwilling to forgive. We were overtly aware of our weakness and lack of anything to offer. We constantly called out to God in complete dependence and asked Him often to show up in surprising ways. And, He always did. He never failed to give my co-leader and I words to say, patience and endurance to wait for God to break through a sister’s hardened heart, strength and language ability to press through tense situations. In almost every meeting we have had in the past two years for this ministry, God has demonstrated what we have started to refer to as His “multi-faceted grace.” He has worked out countless seemingly impossible situations in ways beyond all that we could ask or imagine, leaving each person involved feeling deeply loved and cared for. One time, the person we were going to ask to step down, came to the realization herself that she needed a break to pursue heart healing and a deeper relationship with God. She felt honored and cared for that we would release her and allow her to take the time she needed! He lavishes His abundant grace on us and His steadfast love endures forever!

 

…according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. (Ephesians 3.16-21)

He continues to woo me.