Sunday, December 9, 2012

Falling in Love: The Wooing




Vulnerability is one of those things that doesn’t really get easier with time and practice. It is always a choice. It is like putting your heart, exposed and solitary, on the table to be seen and responded to. It is risky every time. It is always hard and it is always scary.

But, God… One of my favorite phrases in the Bible is true of my story as well. Just when it appears that all things are far gone and hopeless, fear and impossibility welled-up like fortified walls barring the road ahead, God moves. He tips our version of reality and logic on its head. He intervenes in ways we don’t expect and couldn’t have possibly imagined. He brings Strength from weakness, Good from devastation, Beauty from ashes, Healing from wounds, Hope and Joy from unmet longings and pain. He Redeems and Restores.

So, in line with His character and how He has always worked in the pages of history, it has been in the scariness of laying my heart on the table—right in the middle of the fear—that God has wooed me. In the moments of being vulnerable before others and letting them see the real me—the depths and struggles, the longings and hopes, the frailty and failings—He has shown me that His care for me runs deeper than I could imagine, that His love for me is bigger than my weakness, bigger than my sin (and my rebellious running after it), bigger than my desire to live and love well. He continues to passionately pursue me each and every day in this same way—by revealing the breadth and length and height and depth of His love toward me. He speaks to me of His love that surpasses all experience of human love and shows me how His love fills and satisfies. He demonstrates in tangible and incredibly intimate ways that His love for me is far bigger and deeper and more abundant than all I could hope or dream. It is a love that is already mine. I don’t have to do anything to earn it or get more of it. He loves me, all of me, because of His lavish grace, because of Jesus.
 
“I only know Divine unconditional, radical and reckless love for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to meet God is this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and deeply loved by God. And the more deeply I know this love” (Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself,p. 51).

I am so thankful, in this process of living life with my heart held open and vulnerable before others, to be journeying with such amazing people around me. My China family—brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews—are like “God with skin on” to me every day. They have made the road of vulnerability easier to walk. My brothers’ big bear hugs in the moments I feel like I might fall apart. The safe place my sister created for my heart right in the middle of her kitchen floor and her healing touch that I felt much deeper than her hand on my skin. Another sister often asking, “How’s your heart?” just at the right time that I needed to feel known and listened to and cared for. Grace upon grace shown over and over again. No shame, but rather healing, with sin confessed (James 5.16 fleshed out). Thoughtful gifts. Life-giving words. Perfectly-timed phone calls. Celebrating and grieving together. Real life side-by-side. Walking shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-in-hand on this path of vulnerability toward the heart of God. Weak, dependent, desperate and in need together. We carry each other, give pulls and pushes when we seem stuck, but forward we do walk. God has revealed the depths of His heart to me through this family. He uses them time and time again to draw me into His heart, to woo me.

Almost three years ago, I was sitting on the living room couch of two very dear friends. They wanted to take some time to pray for me before I traveled home after my long weekend with them. We started the time of prayer in quiet listening. I was anxious, wanting to hear, but afraid I wouldn’t. Looking for answers for a difficult work situation, but fearing they wouldn’t be given. A picture came to my mind. Jesus standing before me with His arms outstretched. Reminded of His faithfulness and love for me, I relaxed. I took a deep breath and, one muscle at a time, sunk down into the soft cushions. It was the most restful I had felt in as long a time as I could remember. My friends prayed for me and then one shared that God had given him a question to ask me about my work situation during the time of listening, “What do you want to do?” My response, “Really?” “Yep. That’s all He said to me.” Freedom. The anxiousness was gone and the answers I was searching for given. My relationship with Him and the state of my soul was more important than all the strength I could muster up pushing through a work situation in which I was not thriving. God was caring for my heart in ways beyond what I could have imagined. He was wooing me with His Love and Rest.

On the opening evening of our annual conference two years ago, I found myself overwhelmed by all the people and wishing the week would go by quickly so I could enjoy my few days of beach vacation. Then, graciously crashing into these thoughts was the voice of our leader:
If God is a King, which He is,
And we are His people, which we are,
Then He would occasionally arrange a feast for us.
May this week be a feast.
May we come expecting.

How big my unbelief and how low my expectations of God to fill and refresh. And, a feast He did give me that week!

The next day, I was reading in the Psalms.

He split the rocks in the wilderness
And gave them abundant drink
Like the ocean depths. (78.15)

This is the kind of God I have! Not just a trickle or even a gushing, but ocean-like! And from the most unlikely place—a rock in the middle of the desert. My God, that formed me and knows my name, is this powerful, this good, this compassionate, this abundant! Enough for a feast. Wooing me with His unmatchable character.

Later in the week, God spoke deeply to my heart during a time of listening prayer. “I want you to know My goodness and abundance. I want to show you that coming to Me is not drudgery. I will fill you, not drain you. I want to see you have joy in My delight in you. I want you to experience rest in Me often. I want to talk to you.” Wooing me with His love and delight in me.

 A seminar leader gave each of us a blank sheet of paper and asked us to draw our “terrain”—how we viewed the road ahead and behind, what the bumps and pitfalls look like, etc. What came out on my paper was a bit scary—crags and crevices in the ground ahead and boulders falling from the sky! Chaos. Fear. Apprehension. Joy overwhelmed by adversity, bad news and pain. But, before I was done with my drawing, I felt compelled to write a few words at the top of the page. Shalom. Shield. Wise Counselor. God spoke His character and Goodness over my treacherous terrain and the fear of walking ahead. He has been, is and will be my Protector, Guide, One who holds and cares for my heart. Wooing me with His reigning Love.

Another of God’s tangible demonstrations of His love for me happened at a life-coaching training last fall. I was asked by the trainer to be coached by him in front of the class so that we could discuss and learn from a real-life coaching session. The trainer and I sat facing each other with fifteen others looking on and began to talk. I shared about my love for photography and desire to grow in and improve my skills. As I opened up and the trainer probed, it became clear that the goal of improving my skills was stealing my joy from taking and processing photos. Because I felt the self-imposed pressure to “learn how to use my camera more effectively” or “take better pictures,” taking photos without doing these things felt like an indulgent poor use of time. There, as my heart was exposed—my desire, delight and weakness—God wooed me through the comment of one of the observing students. He said, “Why do you think taking pictures purely for the enjoyment of it a bad thing? What is wrong with ‘indulging’ in this thing that you are so obviously passionate about? God delights in you delighting in His creation and who He has created you to be.” Freedom and release. 
* Interestingly, in the year since that coaching session, I have still not read my camera’s instruction manual nor any blogs or articles about photography. But, I have taken hundreds of photos…and have enjoyed every moment! Through “indulging” in the delight of taking photos, I have discovered that it is a form of worship for me. God loves it when I enjoy His creation, slow down and view it in ways that I don’t normally do each day. “Enjoy Me in this,” He has spoken to my heart. The thick Canon strap around my neck, my favorite 50mm lens in from of my eyes, finding just the right position to frame the flower, the smile that lights up my face, the calm that it brings to my heart. Enjoying photography is enjoying Him—enjoying what He has made and enjoying being with Him. (see “Healing Flowers”) And, God has used my photos to bless and speak deeply to many people along the way. Amazing! * 

A friend asked me during another life-coaching session, “Who is Allyson?” He waited. He waited past my pat answers. He waited through the awkward silence when I was wriggling in my seat as his gaze made its way deep down inside. Part of me wanted to get up and run away in response to the vulnerability I felt. I willed myself to stay. And, as my friend waited and I let his question find its way to my heart, God made us aware of His presence in a profound way. A series of detailed and beautiful pictures came to mind—God personally answering the question my friend posed. “Who is Allyson?” Dressed in armor and bearing a sword: Warrior. Sitting at the bed of someone sick and touching them: Healer. Standing, arms outstretched and brightness streaming out to others: Bearer of Light. God, once again, showed me how He sees beyond my sin and weakness to who He created me to be. He is wooing me with His Love and Grace.

Over the past two years, a close friend and I have co-led a ministry to hurting women. Honestly, leadership was something neither of us asked for nor wanted, especially when it involved months of facilitating intense conflict resolution. Our experience, knowledge, human wisdom, strength and energy were never enough to face going into several-hour-long meetings with people unwilling to forgive. We were overtly aware of our weakness and lack of anything to offer. We constantly called out to God in complete dependence and asked Him often to show up in surprising ways. And, He always did. He never failed to give my co-leader and I words to say, patience and endurance to wait for God to break through a sister’s hardened heart, strength and language ability to press through tense situations. In almost every meeting we have had in the past two years for this ministry, God has demonstrated what we have started to refer to as His “multi-faceted grace.” He has worked out countless seemingly impossible situations in ways beyond all that we could ask or imagine, leaving each person involved feeling deeply loved and cared for. One time, the person we were going to ask to step down, came to the realization herself that she needed a break to pursue heart healing and a deeper relationship with God. She felt honored and cared for that we would release her and allow her to take the time she needed! He lavishes His abundant grace on us and His steadfast love endures forever!
 
according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. (Ephesians 3.16-21)

He continues to woo me.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Falling in Love: The Awakening



It all began the summer before I returned to China at a Willow Creek Leadership Summit while Lincoln Brewster was leading worship. Well, it didn’t really begin there, but the story of all the years in between will have to wait for another time to be told. This moment, when Lincoln Brewster took the stage with his guitar was significant enough to be called a beginning. He sang: 
 

You're the One Who made the heavens.
You're the One Who shaped the earth.
You're the One Who formed my heart
Long before my birth.
I believe You'll always lead me.
All my days have been ordained.
All Your thoughts toward me are holy,
Full of love and grace—”

That wasn’t even close to the end of the song (only the first verse actually), but it was like the whole world stopped. Everything went quiet after that line was sung out while the Holy Spirit spoke ever so clearly to my heart, “Dwell on this for a minute.” I argued that I didn’t want to and would rather sing the rest of the song with everyone else. He was patient with me and kept pulling me back, “Stay here. Think about what those words mean and what they imply for you.” As I did, I had to sit down with the weight of that Truth—ALL God’s thoughts toward me are holy, FULL of LOVE and GRACE. Really?! Is that even possible?! Doesn’t He hate sin and get frustrated with the number of times I do the things I shouldn’t and don’t do the things I should? Doesn’t He get impatient and annoyed with me like I do with myself? “I don’t see you the way you see you,” He spoke gently, deeply to my heart. Freedom. Rest. Care. Intimacy. And thus began my journey of understanding God’s acceptance of and lavish grace toward me. Awakening.

About a year and a half into my second return to China, three events coincided that would change my life, heart and relationships forever. God awakened me to deep longings as I read Captivating, deep pain in the sudden death of my friends’ two month old baby, and deep healing in an unexpected relationship with a wonderful man. Places in my heart opened up in those few months in the spring of 2006 that I never knew were closed.

It was March 2006 when pulled Captivating off my shelf for the fourth time. I had loved Wild at Heart and purchased Captivating while it was still on prominent display at the Christian bookstore. I started reading it then, and a time or two after that, but couldn’t get past the first chapter. It did make it onto the short list of things I shipped to China, only to sit on the shelf for over a year collecting dust. That March, I was struggling, feeling lonely, desiring closer relationships with God and others, and longing for a husband. God lovingly brought me to a place through a talk with a dear friend where I realized that the root of much of this emotional struggle was because I was looking for worth, happiness, security and fulfillment in the wrong places. God planted these longings inside of me to draw me to Himself. Only He can fulfill them. But, I didn’t know that yet. (I highly recommend a sermon series that addresses this and related  issues from the Vineyard church of Evanston: Christian Sexuality in a Sex-Crazed World.  Great teaching!!).

So many times, when I felt that all-too-familiar longing for love or felt the pain of being overlooked again, I would smother it in a worship song. I would preach to myself about how God is sovereign and “good” and “loving” until the sadness subsided. It sounds spiritual, but it was actually the opposite. It was my way of covering up and hiding from what was really going on inside. Pretending that the longings weren’t there didn’t make them go away. And, I never really believed what I preaching to myself although I really wanted to. Thinking I was “rehearsing truth,” I was actually building up a false image of God (“my Baal” like in Hosea 2.16), with labels “loving” and “good,” but really just empty, cold, and stone-hearted. As a result, I raised protective walls in my heart against the true God and those around me.

It was in this place, that I started reading Captivating once again. This time I devoured every word. There, in black and white, were my recent thoughts and feelings and struggles, so poignantly articulated by John and Stasi Eldredge. God spoke to me deeply through those pages, gently pulling at unhealthy roots that wound around my heart, affirming my pain, calling out for me to run to Him in all of my messiness.

“We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God. What we need to see is that all our controlling and our hiding, all our indulging, actually serves to separate us from our hearts. We lose touch with those longings that make us women. And the substitutes never, ever resolve the deeper issue of our souls.” (p. 58) (I highly recommend a Tim Keller sermon on this topic: The Struggle for Love).

“Shame causes us to hide. We are afraid of being truly seen, and so we hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted….We are silent and do not say what we see or know when it is different from what others are saying, because we think we must be wrong. We refuse to bring the weight of our lives, who God has made us to be, to bear on others out of a fear of being rejected.” (p. 74)

“From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. Clearly, He’s holding out on us. We’ll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We’ll have to find a way to fill it. A way that will not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability.” (p. 75)


Vulnerability. This word and all that it implied had always caused a guttural reaction in me: weakness, shame, cold sweats, anxiety, inadequacy, feelings of not ____ enough (you fill in the blank—any adjective will do!), shutting down, hiding. This time, it was more like a seed planted deep that early spring day into my mind and heart that would eventually grow into something I never dreamed possible. Awakening.


“Lord, teach me not to fear vulnerability,” I prayed on March 24th.  

On April 2nd, 2006, I received that horrible phone call. My friends’ baby had just died in their arms—quickly, no explanation, nothing the doctors could do. The afternoon was the first time I ever remember crying so uninhibitedly in front of people without fear or embarrassment. There was no room to hide that kind of gut-wrenching pain. I bent in half and sobbed in the middle of the restaurant with my head on my knees. Searing pain gashed to places so deep inside my heart that I didn’t realize even existed. Gaping heart-wounds. Everyone saw deep inside and I didn’t care. It took weeks for the tears to stop and, even when they did, that gash was still open—visible and raw. I remember wishing for a switch to turn off the pain and, at the same time, knowing turning off would dull my soul. I wrote in my journal April 9th, “This is a place where I need to choose humility, vulnerability, trust, faith, God, community, God’s version of good. I don’t want to go down that road, but I know I have to. It is going to hurt and it’s going to be long, but by God’s grace….”

Strangely, in that time of deep pain, I felt so alive, most like the real Allyson that seemed to have been buried and hidden for so long. In the wake of the tragedy and grief of Baby’s death, she was emerging. Perhaps it was only through such deep hurt that the walls could be stripped away that were keeping her trapped. Awakening.

“Continue to call me deeper, Lord Jesus. Continue to soften my heart to Your touch and my ears to Your voice.”

On April 21st, 2006, I was asked out to dinner. “Now? While my heart-wound is still gaping? While I still barely have energy to make it through the day, let alone give to someone else and wade through the beginnings of a relationship?” I wondered. But, I was drawn to this man—to his strong and safe presence, to his initiative, to his courage and willingness to walk beside me in the hours after Baby’s death. I trusted him. I prayed that evening, “Lord, help me not to fear this process. Help me to open my heart to him. Help me to let down my defenses and allow him to pursue me. Allow me to learn about You through him. Help me to rest in this. Help me to trust Your hand.”

That was the first of many dinners, walks, phone calls, conversations over the next ten months. As we got to know each other, God was answering my prayer. God was showing me His heart for me through this man—I am not too much, there is nothing innately wrong with me as I had feared, emotion and vulnerability is good, God cares deeply for my heart. An amazing gift! Awakening.



God wants me to—has always wanted me to—come to Him with ALL of me, covering nothing up, hiding nothing, leaving nothing behind. David Benner, in Chapter three of his book The Gift of Being Yourself, states, “Things about ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge are given increased power and influence by our failure to accept them…. Before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves, for no one can give up what he or she does not first possess” (p. 58). I started to realize that the road of vulnerability is the road to the heart of God. It is when I acknowledge that there are these depths to me that the door is opened for God to enter there…

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Falling in Love: The Longing

A friend told me once that I was boy crazy. You wouldn’t know it by looking at my nearly non-existent dating history, but she was right. I have had many, many crushes and my mind often occupied by whether or not a certain boy liked me and, if so, what I should do about it. If he didn’t like me, I would dream what it would be like if he did. In fact, I don’t remember any time between middle school and into my mid-twenties that I didn’t have my eyes and heart set on one or another classmate or someone from my social circle. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was looking hard for affirmation and always desiring to fill my deep longing for intimacy and exclusivity with someone I could see and touch and talk to.

I grew up going to church and gave my life fully to Jesus in ninth grade at a youth group retreat. I understood and believed completely that He rescued me from my sin and called me to follow Him. I was familiar with teaching that God loved me, that my worth was found in Him, that He was faithful and I could trust Him fully, that He was my Lover and my Husband. But, I didn’t quite get it, especially about the theme throughout Scripture that I was the bride and Jesus the Bridegroom. It did not compute. It made it to my brain and I desperately wanted it to be true for me, but it didn’t ever quite make it to my heart.

In high school, a new group called Jars of Clay started to become popular and their first album had a song that both awakened something deep inside and confused me at the same time. 

Love Song for a Savior
 In open fields of wild flowers,
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running

And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
To show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"My heart beats for You"

Somewhere deep down inside wanted this to be true, to be the cry of my heart. I wanted to be in a place where I could truthfully scream, “I want to fall in love with You,” but I couldn’t. I didn’t understand how it was possible to fall in love with God.

I remember sort of dating two guys, one in high school, another in college. I really liked them and they really liked me, but I didn’t know what to do with their affection. Eventually, I started to get frustrated, even annoyed at their care. I shut down and pushed them away. Looking back at that time in my life, this was also what I was doing with God, albeit subconsciously. I was keeping my heart shut off from Him. I didn’t even know He wanted it.

Then there were two men, at different times in my journey, that spoke beautiful, pursuing words to me only to walk out of my life a short while later. With the help of the Accuser, I began to believe that I was not worth pursuing, that no one had the passion or courage (or even interest) to get past my messiness to find the beauty deep inside, that I would always be abandoned and alone.

I did love God, though, and grew to trust Him as my Redeemer, Provider, Guide, Protector and Lord. My life was His and I sought to follow Him and know Him, but there was an emotional disconnect. He was an authority figure, a Father, but not someone to long for, to be passionate about. I saw my heart as something that God wanted to be His to clean out, but not as the object of His affection or desire. I saw God as walking either behind or beside me, showing me the way in which to go, holding my hand as I walked along. I didn’t realize the deeper love-relationship that I was missing, that He could and would meet ALL the longings of my heart.

In spite of myself, my gracious God met me where I was at and slowly, but surely wooed me.

Falling in Love

 I just returned home after two weeks away--an amazing two weeks away! I was at a leadership retreat which was full of beautiful moments and hours with God, meaningful conversations with precious friends, intimate times of worship and prayer, being invited to walk deeply with the Father.... There was so much to take away, to process. It was a bit overwhelming. So, I asked God to highlight for me what He wanted me to press into. As I sat before Him in those moments with my journal on my lap and my heart turned toward Him, a theme came to mind, a story--Falling in Love. Many of the most significant events from the retreat are pieces of this journey of my heart--the story of the Lover of my soul wooing me as His Beloved.

Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship? In the beginning, you weren't even sure it was worth it, though you longed for it to be. You questioned whether or not you really liked each other enough. Then, there were e-mails back and forth. Notes became more intimate. Long hours of talking on the phone. Finally, you received an invitation to meet. Love gifts were sent in the mail to ease the waiting. When you did meet face to face, it was unexpectedly sweeter than you could have imagined. And, that meeting was only the beginning... 

This is my story and I want to share it with you. So, in the several entries to follow, I will tell of the Longing, the Awakening, the Wooing, the Invitation, the Gifts and the Waiting, the Meeting....maybe more....because so much of the story has yet to unfold....
 




Monday, October 1, 2012

Mid-Autumn Festival

 Today is China’s National Day, celebrating that day in 1949 when this land became the People’s Republic of China. There are red flags with yellow stars everywhere, almost everyone has the week off of work, train tickets to anywhere you would want to go are sold out, and there is lots of family time, eating time and park time to be had by all.







Yesterday was Mid-Autumn Festival. Interestingly, this time of year marks the beginning of autumn in my head and has ever since I was little. But, a little over a month ago, the breeze started to become cool (as opposed to the hot, barely moving breeze of the summer). That was because, I was told by a neighbor, that autumn had already come. Strange? Maybe not. Now that we just celebrated Mid-Autumn Festival the explanation that seemed odd when I was still wearing shorts in 90 degree weather, makes sense. 

 


The two most important things to do during the Mid-Autumn Festival celebration is eat mooncakes with your family and enjoy gazing at the moon. Since Chinese holidays are based on the lunar calendar, last night’s moon was full. Round full moon, round mooncakes—get it? :o) 




I have always said that I have never eaten a mooncake I liked.....until this weekend, that is. A friend served Starbucks' mooncakes at small group on Saturday night. What's not incredibly yummy about Expresso-Chocolate with a gooey raspberry center?! I bought the mooncake in the photo just for the purpose of photographing it for the blog, but I decided to be brave and taste the little piece I cut...it was YUMMY!!!  I have no idea what flavor "Keeping the Treasured Person in Good Health" is, but it has forever changed my mooncake prejudices!
 
  


I decided to spend my evening celebrating only partially in the local style. I went out after sunset by myself and took pictures of the moon. The sky was perfectly clear and I had so much fun “gazing at the moon” and the city lights through my camera lens and experimenting with various settings. I discovered that taking a photograph of the moon with a non-telephoto lens and no tripod is not that interesting (even though the moon itself was strikingly beautiful!).
 








However, when I accidentally moved my camera before the shutter closed and the moonlight streaked across the sky like a highlighter, it started to get much more interesting. I stood on a bench wiggling my camera around and giggling and squealing with delight. The older people out on their evening walk probably thought I was nuts (and maybe they’re not wrong!), but I didn’t care. Here’s what came out. Take a look and see for yourself. Would you have stood on the bench laughing with me?
 







 Don't you love the moon?

Happy Mid-Autumn and China National Day!


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Celebration!

Last Friday was my birthday and I had a fantastic celebration! I took the day off work, had a special breakfast, went shopping and enjoyed the amazing friends God has given me. I photographed my day, so here goes....












God gave me an AMAZING birthday present! I woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep (no that wasn't the gift!). When I went to the kitchen to fix my coffee, a beautiful sight awaited me. The sun was just beginning to peek over the buildings and through the trees and the sky was filled with white, puffy, golden-lined clouds. Sunrises in this city are rarely more than a golden ball ascending in the smog and this is the first time I have seen one so spectacular! A birthday gift from my loving God just for me! Thank you, Abba!

I then treated myself to a Chinese street breakfast with a slight American twist. I had my favorite tofu soup (a salty soup with soft tofu, mushrooms, sesame paste and cilantro) and donut-like bread that the Chinese affectionately (and appropriately, I might add) call "grease sticks." I watched the breakfast cart owner scoop creamy tofu from her 15 gallon pot and ladle brown broth into a plastic bag. Her husband rolled and cut the grease stick dough and set it in the bubbly vat of oil until it turned just the right shade of golden brown. I brought my goodies home, put my soup in my favorite bowl, and prepared little sides of confectioner's sugar and cinnamon and sugar for dipping my grease sticks. Mmmmm! They tasted just like funnel cake from the fair! Indulgent!

I spent the rest of the morning shopping at my favorite discount didn't-quite-make-the-cut-for-export market and bought a super-comfy-yet-elegant black shirt and my first pair of skinny jeans. I love buying jeans at this market because the lady who owns the jeans' stall has this incredible ability to tell a person's size. As a customer walks up, she asks what color and cut of jeans they like and she digs the perfect size out of her piles of denim. No different for me that day. I loved these pants as soon as I put them on. I felt like I was in college again! I figured cute jeans that made me feel 15 years younger was the perfect purchase on the day I officially hit the mid-thirties. And, I couldn't go wrong for ten dollars!

After a lunch of yummy noodles (cut, not pulled), I boarded a bus (another one of my favorite activities) headed to the plant market. I found some great glass bowls to grow my plants in (I have better luck keeping them alive in water instead of dirt).


















In the evening, my friends threw me a party--semi-formal, jazz music, decadent food, special drinks, and of course one of Lisa's amazing cakes. Isn't it beautiful?! It was a wonderful night and I felt so special and loved! Thank you friends!




Sunday, August 19, 2012

Waiting…


Waiting in line….for the bus….
Waiting for a reply to a significant e-mail….
Waiting for friends to return from the US….
Being single and longing for the gifts of a husband and children….waiting….
Waiting for precious friends to come to know the Savior….
Waiting for the vision God has called me to bear fruit….

Waiting….. I am not a big fan!

This whole concept of linear time that we live with here on earth is so difficult to navigate through sometimes. I often wish that a day would stretch on and never end and, at the same time, long for it to be six months into the future. I count down the days to a special trip while savoring the joy of an amazing moment. A day can go by so slowly and a week so quickly. Ten minutes can feel like forever while hours can fly by depending on the circumstances. Years seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

Waiting. It fosters anticipation and grows excitement. It offers the opportunity to hope and dream and increase faith. But, it also holds pain and longing and confusion. Proverbs 13.12 states, Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I feel that sickness so poignantly sometimes.

There is also, in the waiting, the tendency to fill it up with something or to fall into a holding pattern. I often spend the few minutes in the line at the grocery store or bank reading a book on my iPod. If it’s something bigger that I’m waiting for, I will usually find a way to distract myself from the difficulty of the waiting, focusing hard on something else so I don’t sense the acute slowness of time. I avoid the stillness and process of waiting, preferring to make the time “productive” by getting something done in the tangible realm. Though filling time is not wrong, I don’t want it to get in the way of what God may want to teach me in the in-between parts of the journey. After all, those in-between, waiting times is the point, not merely means to an end.

I read a book a while back, Carried Home Safely, and it came to mind as I was writing this. The author, Kristin Wong, shares her journey of international adoption. She spends an entire chapter writing vividly of the pain and faith in the process of waiting.

“I feel like a river, actually more like a small stream, still narrow and shallow. The wait for Benjamin digs my bed deeper and wider. It is painful and exhausting, this fight against anxiety and setbacks, this continual need to ask the Lord to give me faith. But, in the end, I will hold more water. This trial digs down into my heart and routs out whatever keeps Christ from flowing freely.” (p. 45, Wong).

Waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But, the longer we wait, the larger we become and the more joyful our expectancy. (Romans 8.24-25, The Message).

“Romans 15.13…Psalm 27…John 6.66-69…Mark 9.21-24…Habakkuk 3.17-18…I have enough for now, with the testimonies of those who have waited for God through bewildering and painful trials. I am encouraged and challenged to love and trust Jesus no matter the outcome, to run to Him even when it feels like I cannot believe. I am glad to follow these men and echo their words. The Lord digs my riverbed deeper. I am enlarged in the waiting.” (p. 49, Wong)

Waiting. Through it, I can shrink and shrivel or I can be enlarged. The enlarging comes in facing and embracing the pain and longing, in running to Jesus. It comes when I choose, instead of avoiding the process, to submit to it and let it change me.

My friend, Lara, shared with me this song. How it resonates deep inside of me!

                                                                             “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller
  
                                                                                       I am waiting
                                                                                     I am waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s painful
But patiently I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

Chorus:
While I’m waiting, I will serve You
While I’m waiting, I will worship
While I’m waiting, I will not faint
I’ll be running the race, even while I wait

I am waiting
I am waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confidence
Taking every step in obedience

No avoiding. No holding patterns. No neutral gear. No coasting along. This waiting is part of my journey, too, not just what’s on the other side of it. Help me to embrace it fully, Lord.

It’s hard, but this is the choice I am making today—to pray boldly, but not be slowed by the “not yet,” to walk ahead into what God has called me to do, unhindered by “maybes” and “what-ifs.” But, Lord, I am completely dependent on You for the strength, courage, endurance, and even the will to do this. Walk beside me—no, carry me in this that my steps would be as Yours, that I wouldn’t sway or run off course. Only you. Carry me that I may, often and long, look into Your face and know You—know Your rest, Your love, Your peace, Your comfort, Your joy, Your care, Your heart.

I plan on looking You full in the face. When I get up, I’ll see Your full stature and live heaven on earth. (Psalm 17.15, The Message)

That is exactly what I need—to look at God full in the face. Trust Him. Know Him. Let Him fill and satisfy. Let Him have His way with my heart.

Romans 15.13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

NOT “may hope fill you” BUT “may the GOD of hope fill you”!!! It is about HIM and about my relationship with Him, about knowing Him ever more deeply, about letting Him fill me with Himself.

That is the answer to all the questions, confusion, pain, and longing that arise in the waiting. To look on God and trust Him fully. Know, depend on, live in His goodness. Let Him fill me with Himself and, in so doing, fill me with hope. Carry me, Abba.




Saturday, July 28, 2012

Rainstorms and Gifts


Last weekend was a devastating one for many in China. Reports say that it was Beijing’s worst storm since the 1960s. Many have died.

The strange thing is that I was there. The six of us joined a tour group to do some sightseeing in the capital city before we had to say goodbye to our summer visitors and send them on their way. We were just finishing up our early afternoon tour of the Temple of Heaven when it started to rain. We scrambled back onto the tour bus before we got too wet and headed to the next place on the packed-tight schedule—a pearl “factory” (There are always shopping stops on these tours, keeping the costs down for us while the tour company gets a commission for bringing in eager customers.). While learning about oysters and staring googly-eyed at the gold, black, white and priced-way-beyond-the-limits-of-my-pocketbook pearls, the storm hit with force. Most groaned, but I reveled in the eerily darkened sky, refreshingly cool mist and strangely soothing sounds of thunder and heavy rains.

The rainfall lightened—a little—and our group made it to the bus, most not without wet shoes. Our last stop of the day was the Summer Palace, a summer retreat to emperors long ago. We took a vote and over half of the people on the tour opted to brave the downpour and visit the Summer Palace (much to the chagrin of our tour guide, who was forced by majority to wait for us in the rain with his pink flowery umbrella). Off we went. There were many selling umbrellas and ponchos, taking advantage of the sudden weather change. I found much amusement in confusing the hawkers at my refusal to make a purchase with the silly phrase, “I like being wet!” (I think they thought I was crazy….and they may have been right!). 

We had a blast!  We skipped and laughed and twirled and jumped in puddles (oh, I might have been the only one to do that!) and took silly pictures and got soaking wet. Something that had bound me earlier in the day broke loose….I felt so free, so alive….glorious!

Little did I know that in my unabashed freedom and joy, devastation was being wrought throughout the city. North China, in perpetual drought, desperately needs the rain, but the ground and drainage systems are not used to that much water. When it rains here, it is as the Sunday school song says, “…the rains came down and the floods came up….”

But to me, the rain felt like a gift—a personal gift from God just for me. I even apologized to my friends because God’s special gift for me had to ruin everyone else’s day. Now, knowing the floods that came with it, was it still a gift? It felt like one at the time….and still does in a strange way. That rain brought deep healing to my soul on that emotion-filled day. I am not sure how to reconcile God’s intimate gift to me with the simultaneous loss and grief experienced by so many others….  
 
The next morning was Sunday. I awoke early, made some instant coffee, sat in the window seat of our hotel room, and filled pages in my journal. It was beautiful outside—the white sunlight unfiltered by the usual smog, the azure blue sky, the puffy white clouds, a gentle breeze making the leaves on the seven-story tall tree dance and sparkle. And God spoke deeply to my heart: I am good. Trust Me. See and embrace My gifts to you.  My God. He is powerful. He delights in preparing these things for me. He is faithful. He is pursuing me, wooing me, in the way that I long for. Keep my eyes open, Lord, so I don’t miss it.
More gifts came that day, including a golden sunset that cast faraway mountains into silhouette, dinner on a rooftop, and lots of laughter. Sweet gifts, especially to my heart that hates saying goodbye.




















*    *    *    *    *

A gift came for me with a rainstorm a couple of weeks ago, too. It was a Wednesday and I was feeling a bit frustrated with the lack of success of the play group I started. No one had shown up….again. I decided to leave the office early and run some errands on my way home. It started sprinkling as I packed up my things, but I thought I could beat it to the bus stop. Nope. As soon as I stepped off the elevator, the clouds had let loose and water poured out. Ugh! I did not plan for this. No umbrella. There were nearly-blue skies that morning when I left my house. Who could’ve known?

I stood in the lobby of building six with several others who, even though armed with umbrellas and ponchos, were choosing to wait out the heaviest part of the storm. The rain was coming down in sheets, muffling any would-be conversation, and we all stared out, mesmerized by the downpour. The rain lightened a bit, but showed no signs of stopping. It was dark for 11am. I asked the lady next to me if there was anywhere near that I could buy an umbrella. A shop about a ten minute walk away, was her answer. After taking a few minutes to decide, I stepped out into the rain, mentally gearing up to get wet.

But, little did I know what was being prepared for me by my loving, caring God Who Sees.

Not five steps from the building six lobby, I watched amazed as a man, frustrated with his “broken beyond repair” umbrella, tossed it to the ground! Throwing unwanted items, empty bottles and snack wrappers on the ground is a fairly common practice here and I am usually annoyed by it. Not today. I stared at his quickly retreating figure, making sure that he really wasn’t coming back for this “treasure”. Too special and well-timed to be coincidence, I believe this green and blue plaid, albeit quite broken, umbrella was in fact a delivery from heaven just for me. There was no handle and several of the metal bars on the underside were snapped and useless. It was a very strange shape and I had to raise my hand above my head just to hold onto it, but I thought it was perfect. Many stared at me as I made my way to the bus stop, but I didn’t care. I was dry and taking GREAT joy in this marvelous gift from Abba just for me.

 He is amazing, isn’t He??!!